Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Time to Let Go...

It's time to let go friends.

Let go of my demons.

And move on with life.

What am I talking about?

Well let me fill you in.

I got up today and felt like poo.

From what?

Last night's debauchery.

Yes, I had one too many adult beverages at trivia. (hey, they had $1 beers. c'mon.)

And ate way too many carbs. (Did I forget to mention that trivia was at a pizza joint?)

But you know what all that got me?

A slight headache and more importantly...

A horrible number on the scale this morning.

I haven't seen the likes of this number in a long long time.

And I know what you may be thinking...

The # doesn't count. It's how your clothes fit.

And you are exactly right.

But, lately the clothes have been fitting a little snugger.

So, that's an indication that something needs to stop.

And it needs to stop now.

I cried when I saw that number today.

Mostly because I have gained so much weight since my wedding in May.

And I don't advocate for the way I lost the weight for the wedding...which was cutting out carbs...because a life without carbs isn't healthy. And it really does nothing for your sanity, either.

I knew I was going to gain all that weight back. And just in true Jennifer fashion...I gained a little more than that, too.

Some of you might also be thinking, "Well, you are running! You have to be in shape."

Okay, let me say this. Yes, I have to have some sort of physical fitness to be able to run 7.5 miles.

However, that in no way means that I am healthy.

According to my BMI, I am obese.

Obese.

Okay, folks that's it.

I am done.

I am tired of fighting the fat demons that have haunted me my whole life.

It is time for me to claim the healthy person I have always wanted to be.

I have always been (minus a 3 month period back in 2004..again because I cut out carbs) the fat friend.

The fat daughter.

The fat sister.

The fat aunt.

The fat niece.

The fat...well...person.

And I don't want to be her anymore.

She is quite critical of herself.

In the house alone, she says things to herself that are terrible.

Things that I can't even begin to fathom saying to anyone else.

And I don't want to be her anymore.

So, in the shower this morning, as I am crying about what I have done to myself...

I made a decision to stop.

Stop being mean to myself.

And start loving myself more.

I have a husband who loves me...my personality....my humor....my intelligence....the way I look...flaws and all...with such passion. And it baffles me sometimes because in regards to the way I look, most days I don't see what he sees.

And it makes him so frustrated.

I also have a God who created me with love. And he loves all the aforementioned things about me that my husband does. But I assume that he shares the same frustration that my husband has in regards to my attitude toward myself.

So, I am doing this for 3 people.

My husband. (Thank you for loving me.)

My God. (Thank you also for loving me.)

Myself. (It is time to start loving yourself a little more.)

So, I headed over to Weight Watchers Online and signed up.

It's time to let go.

Let go of the worry over my jean size.

Let go of the fat girl who never got asked out on a date growing up.

Me my senior year of high school


Let go of the fat girl who used humor to hide her pain.

Me at my heaviest weight back in 2007.


Let go of the fat girl who will turn into the fat mother to my future children.

Let go of the fat girl who frustrates her husband.

And let God in.

Let's do this together friends.

I hope that by sharing my journey with you all that it will keep me motivated.

To quote my favorite artist John Mayer, "I'm in repair. I'm not together. But, I'm getting there."

And let me reiterate this is my journey. Please don't see this as me taking a stance of "I think that everyone should be doing this." If you are happy with who you are and how you look, then that is all that matters. Whether you are a size 2 or a size 22. This is just something that I need to do for myself.

I admit I am nervous.

Actually very nervous.

But, I am determined to get healthy. And let go of the fat person holding me back from truly being happy.

Let's get started...shall we?

Much love, ;)

7 comments:

  1. So proud of you! I will praise WW to whoever will listen. The reason that it works is because NOTHING is off limits! NOTHING! That means no obsessing about the things you can't have because you are on a diet. It serves to raise your awareness of what you are putting in your body, but there are no restrictions! I am about to start tracking again, too. There is a website exercise4weightloss.com that has the points plus for hundreds of restaurants, which is SO helpful!

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  2. I personally think you have been looking super lovely lately! Good luck getting healthy and loving yourself...After a month off, I'm back on my pilates regimen and am happy food won't be constantly spread out on tables the next few months!

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  3. Ellen, you and Amanda were/are such inspirations to me in regards to WW! I am so proud of your hard work...you look amazing!
    Dusty, well thank you honey bunch. :) Good luck with your pilates regimen! Whew...I couldn't even begin to attempt pilates!

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  4. Miss Jenny, you are such an inspiration and I know how hard it was to conjure up this post, much less put your struggles in to words. I'm so proud of you, you're gorgeous! If you ever need a workout buddy, call me, I've been sloooooowly breaking in to C25k :) :)

    Love ya gf!
    Best of luck on WW!

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  5. Aw Miss Bek! Thank you sweetie. You are the bomb.com! ANNNNDDD...I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR C25K!!!! That is so awesome and I am super excited for you!!

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  6. hello! I am so excited to follow your journey. I am working on the exact same thing myself. I just can't deal with hating my body anymore...and this is the first time in my life that I actually WANTED to diet. hopefully we can be of some inspiration to each other! :)

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  7. Hi there Mrs. Robinson! I hope that we can be inspiration buddies!! Way to go in regards to deciding to get healthy :)

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